Hopped-Up Pastries

I wrestle mightily with numerous unhealthy food cravings--but doughnuts has never been one of them. I drive by the Krispy Kreme store daily, impervious to the hypnotic Siren-ic powers of the "Hot Now!" neon sign.

I am grateful for this inasmuch as doughnuts represent a perfect storm of nutritional no-nos: White Flour, Sugar, and Transfats. But now this headline. . .

Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts

This is a troubling development. I fear we may be entering a dangerous age in which dunking a doughnut into a cup of microwaved coffee my cause a rip in the fabric of space-time, allowing hordes of demon-spacemonkeys to come pouring into our dimension.

You mark my words.